For the first month after our son, Nate, was born, Amy and I were mostly on our own. We were very fortunate that we both were able to dedicate ourselves to our new baby – my being a Stay At Home Dad, and Amy taking time off from work for maternity leave.
Still, that first month was, without a doubt, the hardest, most exhausting month of my life. I’ve started numerous businesses, but this “human startup” was clearly the most demanding of our time and attention – around the clock!
The thing that did us in was the sleep exhaustion. The boy needs to eat every 2.5-3 hours, and feeding, burping, playing, changing, bathing, soothing consume at least 1of those hours, so Mom and Dad only get 1.5-2 hours to feed, bathe, and rest themselves in between, in preparation for the next feeding “shift”, as we like to call them. The end result is that Mom never slept for more than about 1.5 hours at a time for the first month – until we introduced the bottle and pacifiers (after the first month; more on that later).
Tough times.
Everyone tells us that this is just the way it is at the start – that the baby will “sleep through the night” at some point. I know it’s true, but still secretly wish that it would happen sooner.
I do have some advice for Dads:
- Don’t start things off in a sleep-deprived mode. Dads, for you, that means that you should NOT stay in the hospital with your wife overnight. Instead, take the opportunity to get a good night’s sleep so that you are fresh, because your wife will not get much sleep in the hospital. Teamwork. I listened to my wife on the last night of our hospital stay and “slept” at the hospital on the fold0out bed. I got exactly 1 hour of sleep, and it wrecked me for the first couple of days at home, which were hard enough. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of the family.
- “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is pure bullshit. Complete exhaustion does help you take a nap easier, but there is no way that you will be able to sleep whenever the baby sleeps. Again, teamwork is important here. If you are breastfeeding, let Mom handle things on her own during the middle of the night feedings. Dad will be better able to take care of his wife and family during the day if he, too, is not completely exhausted.
- Know thyself. I have never been a good napper. I would rather be up and awake and doing things. The baby has made me into a napper, and I can now sense when my body is telling me that it is time for a nap. I’ve always been able to push through that sensation in the past, but the penalty for doing so now is so big that I don’t do that any more. When my body starts to quiver, it’s time for a nap, and I take one. The world continues to revolve while I sleep. Yes, it really does.
- Invest in a good quality set of earplugs and sleeping mask. Your wife can use them while you take care of the baby, and you can do the same when she’s on duty. They definitely help when trying to nap in the middle of the day. Also, consider adding room darkening shades to one of your bedrooms to make a little “nap sanctuary” environment.
The bottom line: You should try very hard to not get to the point where both husband and wife are completely exhausted. When that happens with Amy and I, we find that we are very “short” with each other and neither of us are thinking well or communicating well. If your wife is breastfeeding, that first month will be extremely hard on her and she absolutely will be exhausted. As such, do whatever you can to make sure that you don’t get exhausted too. That’s when bad things happen.
Teamwork.
What suggestions do you have for managing sleep exhaustion during that first month?
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